21 August, 2007


Anyone who have been at the receiving end of my tales of relationship ups and downs would probably think that by now, I would have experienced every joy and every hurt possible. Well, they would at most be half right.

When you get hurt, people would tell u a)time will heal, and if they are not so kind, then b)you should be used to it and can handle it. I had friends, and those I thought were good friends, tell me all sorts of things when I was down. I am grateful, for the time they put in, for the words they still say even though they know it will fall on deaf ears.

Only after some time, that I realised that when your life is constantly on the spiral down, you will eventually lose friends who had hoped you will get better. Seriously, who am I to judge, when in my worst times, how much of a friend have I been? I leaned on them, but have I been well long enough to let anyone lean on me?

I have had much time to reflect on why my life in the past 10 years had gone so awry. Some of it, I think are very much out of my control. But most of it was because I was never comfortable in my own skin. I never outgrew my teenage self-consciousness, which over the years developed into major inferiority complex. That affected me in every aspect of my life. My jobs, my interaction with friends and new acquaintances, and of course my relationships. I always felt I would be judged, and I always do get judged, because my insecurity made me act out in ways that would make me cringe now.

No one is obliged to be nice to you. But if they are, accept, and reciprocate. I wasn't able to accept, thus I never did reciprocate. Not that I consciously did it. I always thought I 'gave my all'. In my past relationships, I always prided myself in being the "giver" instead of the "taker". But it wasn't true. I met much struggles because I was trying so hard to be in the driver's seat, but I didn't like being one. I thought I had to keep everything intact, keep everything going, or else all hell will break lose.

Why was I such a control freak? Because I always felt "different", not snootily different, but misfit-different. I wanted to keep everything and everyone close, so that they won't stray so far that I would end up with nothing.

Realisation did not come overnight. Late it was, but better than never. I did not do it alone. Someone came into my life, with much patience, with much love, and also ever-increasing understanding, and helped me finally be at peace with myself. Whether he did it consciously, or unknowingly, I do not know. Some things words cannot express. He somehow knew where I hurt, how I hurt, and he nursed it well. At first I retaliated, furiously. Eventually, bit by bit, I learnt to let go.

When I was 19, a friend told me I was holding on to a knife by the blade, refusing to let go because it hurts too much to move a muscle. When someone tried to pull it away, I screamed and kicked, not understanding that if I don't let go, I will bleed to death. I thought I understood that analogy then, but didn't accept it. Now 10 years later, I finally knew what it means.

Despite the lost years and the lost friends, I am so blessed. If the clouds had not lifted, I would probably lose a very good partner. He indulges me in my every whim; wherever I wanna go, whatever I wanna do, no day is a bad day. He hugs me, kisses me, just because he feels like it. Whenever we are abroad, it's so cute the way he behaves like a bodyguard, with his eyes "bing!" wide open always on the lookout for danger, like I always tease him. He rubs my feet whenever they are tired due to my weakness for heels.

Don't be mistaken though. He takes no shit from me. If I unload a ton of insecurity like a brat without restraint, he never fails to tell me off. And he doesn't mince words.

People say, love makes two person seem like one. Now I know, two can never be one, so please don't try =). Instead, when two persons feel as one, perhaps now, this is finally the road leading home.